Census time again (or plain nosiness by another name)

Census time again (or plain nosiness by another name)

Well, the time has come around again to complete the National Census (or Household Questionnaire as it is headed).  Today’s postman staggered up the path with an armful of purple and white envelopes, complaining about how heavy they were.  I was somewhat bemused at this as there are only four houses on this stretch of the street and he had to reload his bike basket with the spare ones.  Hey ho, perhaps he was trying to be macho.................or just plain daft.  My original hopes that he was staggering under the weight of my still missing Christmas post were dashed again.

Anyway, since the last census times have progressed and there was an online submission option.  Excellent!  I sat down, filled in the required boxes and it took all of six minutes to complete.  However, their flaw in the plan is, unlike online tax forms, you cannot obtain a copy of what you have admitted to, you simply get a confirmation number that you have completed the form.  There is no way back, the form cannot be amended once submitted so anyone who has made omissions has to live with it.  In any case, who is going to check that the information is correct?  I was tempted to state my ethnicity as Gypsy or Irish Traveller just for the fun of it and also to make future relatives question their heritage when tracing the family tree............ However I was sensible and gave the true information.  In any case I am nowhere near wealthy enough to be a Traveller, having seen on the recent Channel 4 documentary series how much they spend, in cash of course, on anything and everything they want.  Perhaps I should look into retraining as a tarmac layer.

I love some of the census questions:-

Question H1 – Who usually lives here? No option for ‘a load of squatters’.

Question H4 – Who else is staying overnight here on 27 March 2011?  Unless I get my tea leaves, crystal ball and runes out, how would I know for sure?

Question 2 (Individual Questions) – What is your sex? Only two options here.  No provision for eunuchs, people going through gender reassignment, those who are born with two sets of sex organs.

Question 31 – Have you ever worked?  This is included for the lazy sods amongst us who appear on the Jeremy Kyle Show to brag about spending their dole money on cannabis, drink and cigs but cannot be bothered to get up off their backsides and look for work.

Question 41 – How do you usually travel to work?  There was no option for ‘I walk down the stairs’.

My long term plan is now to obtain employment compiling the next census form with questions that are useful to the local community, name the criminal fraternity and dodgy MP’s with inflated expense accounts and are published for all to see.  Data Protection Act?  What is all that about then?  Perhaps there could be a section for providing tasty and easy recipes to assist reluctant (make that very reluctant) cooks like me.  How about a question asking who knows the names of the little yobs that continually knock and run from my front door?  I fully expect them to still be doing it by the time the next census is due.  In fact, it will probably be their own kids who are at it by then.  Should I fail in my plan to work on the census team, then there may be an opening for me on Grumpy Old Women – move over Jenny Eclair.

Oh good grief.................I have just realised that by the next census I will be almost retirement age.  Looks like I had better start replying to the emails I keep receiving for powered mobility scooters, incontinence materials and arthritis potions.  I expect the missing Christmas post will still not have arrived by 2021 either.