Rubber, window thieves and indiscretions

Rubber, window thieves and indiscretions

I had the usual selection of old age emails this week and did consider asking to try out the powered wheelchair as I felt it could be handy whilst waiting in long supermarket queues.  However in the end I decided to save this thrill for another day.

One bizarre email beeped into my box...............an invitation to a rubber ball.  A what?  Why would a little rubber ball need a friend?  Had it lost its bounce?  On reading further down the invite all became clear.  This was not a play date with a toy, far from it.  In fact it was a Rubber Ball........a dance for those participants dressed head to toe in rubber.  Details of where to obtain such items was usefully provided as were locations and dates of forthcoming functions for dominatrix weekends, various fetish events and bring-a-guest-to-join-us nights.  The MC for the main Rubber Ball is someone called (wait for it) Ophelia Bitz.  Think I will give it a miss, but thank you for the invitation.

The local police force posted an item on Facebook that made me chuckle.  They received a call from someone reporting their car window had been stolen.  They dutifully logged the details and later on reported the victim had called back to let them know the window had miraculously reappeared when they pressed the electric window button......................

I love the hoo ha concerning the gagging orders and injunctions taken out by the rich and famous to cover up their misdemeanours.  The old excuse about trying to protect their wives and families from unwanted media attention is a poor one.  Hello chaps, if you all kept your dingly dangly objets d’art within the confines of your designer undies then not only would these court orders be unnecessary, but you would also save a bit of money for a rainy day.

I was in Windsor at the weekend for a quick visit to the town centre.  On most previous visits Her Majesty has not been at home, but this time her Royal Standard was flapping on the flagpole indicating she was indoors.  However, she was unavailable to receive callers as she had a huge pile of ironing to get through following her visit to Ireland last week.

Teeth, fish and Little Britain

For you regular readers, you may recall me stating I am changing dental practices yet again.  The appointment was booked for a Friday lunchtime and I was all geared up to see what this new dentist would decide needed to be done.  However, on the Tuesday evening prior to said booking I received a call from the dentist himself saying I would need to re-book as he was going for an interview in Bristol and would not be working.  Hmmmm, is this some sort of omen?  Bizarrely I then received an answer phone message from the same practice the following day......”hello Miss Davies, just a courtesy call to confirm your appointment on Friday at 12 o’clock, we look forward to seeing you.............oh I have just seen that you need to re-book so can you call as soon as possible”.......enough said.  I have managed to re-book for 1^st July, that is until I receive the next cancellation call from them.  At this rate by the time I get to actually sit in the chair they will have reverted to private practice again, at which point I will bid them farewell.

Further examples of shocking customer service in this country were brought home to me on a shopping trip this week.  I wanted to buy some t-shirt transfer paper, two fish and a gardening tool. Off I headed to Staples and found a pack of paper, although with only 5 sheets instead of the usual 20.  Upon asking for a larger pack I was told “Errrrmm no, don’t think we do that now, can’t check though as I am on my own”.  Great...............but at least I got a few sheets.  Off next to Homebase for the gardening tool (that new fangled one by Fiskars that removes weeds without having to bend one’s back).  None on display and told by the staff that they hadn’t got any.  Tried at B & Q for the same device, alas “naaahhhh, ain’t got any”.  Less efficient than the David Walliams ‘computer says no’ character and certainly not as attractive. Off to an independent retailer to be told they don’t stock Fiskars products.

I then went to Pets at Home for the fish, 1 x goldfish and 1 x catfish.  An assistant with less charisma than Steve Davis said “we haven’t got any catfish”..........my reply was to ask what the things in the tank were (labelled catfish)....................”No they aren’t what you want”.  Er hello, who is the customer here?  I have bought fish on and off for years and I know what a catfish looks like.  I left the store amid a flurry of live crickets hopping around the floor as they had escaped from their box.  I only wish I had let them out.

Off next to the independent pet shop...................told they couldn’t sell fish today as they had just arrived and would be unsettled from their journey to the shop.  I pointed out that they were in fact going to have to travel again whenever they were bought.  I left the shop with a goldfish and a ghost catfish “at my own risk”.  Ghost catfish is living up to his name as he is virtually invisible in the tank.

To round off my afternoon I went online to order said gardening implement from Homebase.  It was unavailable as a home delivery item but could be reserved for collection from the store.  The store I had been into less than an hour previously was showing 4 in stock.  Upon contacting the store they confirmed this.  What a dreadful service...........I now have to make a 20 mile round trip tomorrow to collect the weeder.  It had better be worth the effort or else someone will be wearing it internally.

This is all.

Silence, seaside and seeds

Silence, seaside and seeds

What is that I can hear? Is it the sound of silence? Yes, my cough of eight weeks has finally bitten the dust thanks to the wonderful addition of a ventolin inhaler.  Apparently my breathing tubes had gone into spasm which was preventing the cough from departing, but after a few puffs on the magic potion the troublesome squatter in my lungs left the building. I have taken out an injunction to prevent it returning.

Since my last blog I have been to the seaside to escape the madness of the Royal Wedding.  Don’t get me wrong, I support the Royal family and this country would be a worse place without them, but spending quality time on a buckshee day off was more important to me than sitting in front of the television all day watching the nuptials of two people I do not know personally.  The highlights were re-run over and over on Sky news in the evening so I got to see the best bits without having to listen to oodles of presenters pontificating all day.  Apparently the DVD of the ceremony was available to buy on the following Wednesday.  I did have a giggle (like the rest of the nation I expect) at the hats on Beatrice and Eugenie.  Well done girls, you won the bet.

The seaside trip was superb, paddling on three different beaches in less than 24 hours.  Also managed to take in visits to Swanage, Sandbanks, Dorchester, Salisbury, Stonehenge, Lulworth Castle, Lulworth Cove, Durdle Door and Corfe Castle.  The weather was great, contrary to what the weather forecasters had predicted for the area, and the wind was useful in helping to propel me along the cliff top footpath.

Planting out fever has hit my garden over the past couple of weeks.  I have a stack of fruit and veg in various containers and they are growing well so far.  There will not be enough to warrant a stall outside the front of the house (well maybe the tomatoes will produce far too many for me to eat) but I should have a plentiful crop to pick as and when I need them.  If only I could grow chocolate bars in the garden then life would be sweet (pardon the pun).

This week is going to be struggle with five working days.  Having got used to shorter weeks with all these bank holidays I could do without the return of two day weekends.  Roll on the end of the month when there is another three day block.  Perhaps I should actively encourage the rest of the young royals to marry at regular intervals throughout the year in the hope we may get more days off.

This is all.