Refits, odd English and Santa

My local supermarket has been refitted and a map is now needed to find everyday items as the whole layout has changed completely.  Although the store is now lighter and brighter, some of the product ranges have been decreased (such as CD’s), others have been merged with totally unrelated products and the rest are much the same.  What has changed though is some of the prices.  Bags of apples have risen by 30p this week, pasta sauce has gone up by 10p and so on and so forth.  One area of concern is the help yourself coffee machine which has appeared.  How long will it be before a child is scalded when bumping into a cup carrier, or else someone slips on spilled coffee in the aisles?  Not sure this has been thought out very thoroughly.  The fuel station also had a makeover and (surprise surprise) the price per litre increased by 2p.  I am sure most of us would rather have kept the old style store and the old prices as food is expensive enough without us having to pay for the updated image.  I can hardly wait until the local vandals realise that the new trolley parks are made from wood...............bonfire night all year round methinks.

I was invited to undergo a mammogram as part of a scheme to reduce the age when women are first offered one so I turned up at the appointed time unsure what to expect.  The rather brusque woman checked my details and ushered me into a teeny tiny changing cubicle where I was instructed to strip to the waist then put my coat back on to keep warm.  Okay then, managed that, although the limited space available required me to sit down during the process.  I am glad I am not one of Europe’s fattest women (as we British women have been classified) otherwise I would have had to use the corridor.  Anyway, I then moved through to the machine room for the big event........”Right arm up, left arm at your side, just going to squash you and compress.......it might feel uncomfortable for a moment............”.  Uncomfortable?????  Uncomfortable?????  She was having a laugh................  Imagine if you will, being stuck in the elevator doors by your most sensitive nether regions just as the elevator starts to, well, elevate and you will get the idea.  Four times this delightful experience happened and each time was more painful than the last – the compressions were so tight that the veins in the back of my hands stood out.   Somehow I think the lady had previously taken up pottery and mistook my boobs for clay that needed to be pummelled into shape.  I jokingly said I would await the bruises appearing only to be told that doesn’t happen.  She has obviously not come across me before as I do bruise easily and there is a definite blue blob on view now.  The results will be sent in the post within three weeks unless they need to re-do it in which case they will telephone me.  I sincerely hope today’s pictures will be sufficient and they won’t need to see me again for another three years (at which point I will remember to swallow two painkillers before setting out).

Progressive English...............what is all that about then?  Apparently text talk and any old style of writing are now deemed to be acceptable at exam level.  Spelling tests are a thing of the past in most schools but apparently being able to spell is no longer a requirement for English papers.  For goodness sake.................these children will have to enter the workplace at some stage – what sort of image will they be presenting when filling in job applications?  I can just imagine the entry for ‘previous experience’.........”Well I wuz wkg in the pub innit themz puntas lvd me like, n u no wot I mean like, so I’mz the 1 wot you need 4 the job innit”.  It doesn’t bear thinking about really.

Tomorrow sees the start of December and I can open the first door on my advent calendar.  This year I have one which is a tall townhouse with various windows to count down the days until Santa pays a visit (that is, if I actually decide what I would like him to bring).  No chocolate one for me........I go with the traditional style, although as mine does not have any relevance to the nativity I am telling people it is in fact the headquarters of the Christian movement.  It is a pretty cool design and certainly a lot less fiddly than the one from last year which involved building a house every day to add to a village scene.  Just the question of what I would like Santa to shop for........at this rate the only thing he will be wrapping, labelling and  depositing under the tree for me is a small bag of reindeer poo.  I can almost hear his hearty “Ho, Ho, Ho” from here.

Bad drivers, those above the law and chav TV

I am constantly amazed at the bad driving I witness on a daily basis.  I do not claim to be faultless myself on the road and will also admit to having parked on yellow lines on occasion, however.........having nearly been wiped out last week by a bus driver I cannot comprehend how some people have actually got away with it for so long.  This particular bus driver chose not to use a roundabout, but instead drove straight over it diagonally, and furthermore took it upon himself to rewrite the right of way rules (me being on his right).  He eventually stopped his charabanc literally a whisker away from the entire side of my car – I am just glad I was stationery at the time otherwise the outcome could have been so much worse.  Needless to say I contacted his company and reported the incident, although a week later and I have yet to receive a follow up call or letter.

Later the same evening and along the same stretch of road, some hoodlum had the bright idea of shining a laser pen at me as I approached.  Fortunately the beam bounced off the floor into my face so reduced the effect a little.  I reported this to the local police and cannot fault their response; they even telephoned me first thing the following morning to check my vision was not affected.

Outside my house there is a traffic island and a bend in the road designed to slow down traffic.  However, all day long people find it acceptable to drive on the wrong side of the road to save a nanosecond of time.  It is an accident waiting to happen and is not confined to local residents but also delivery drivers, parcel trucks, post office vans and even the refuse collectors.  Stop it you eejits, you are out of order.

By far the worst type of bad practice on the roads that I encounter every time I do the school run is parents who don’t give a toss about their children’s safety.  By this I mean those parents who either think it is perfectly okay to let their youngsters travel unrestrained in the car, or worse still, standing up between the front seats.  For goodness sake, back in the 1970’s this was common practice as safety standards were non-existent, but today not only are we aware of the risks it is also AGAINST THE LAW.  School car parks are not exempt from bad driving either.  I recall an incident a couple of years ago where I reversed out of a parking spot in a local school.  I had checked my mirrors to make sure the area was clear and was reversing slowly when.............BANG!  My rear bumper made contact with the bull bars on a Range Rover.  I checked the (securely strapped in) children in my car were alright then got out to see if there was any damage.  Considering I was travelling slowly I still ended up with a large dent in the car due to the bull bars and the speed at which the woman had appeared.  The crowning moment was her reaction “You made me call the wrong number........” Errrrmm hello you ignorant woman, it is against the law to use the phone when travelling.  Why do some people believe they are above the law?

I caught an episode of the Jeremy Kyle show recently..........or Chav TV as it should be known.  I quite like JK and what he tries to do for folk but where on earth does he get his guests from?  Sadly the clientele show all that is bad in Britain today and quite frankly social services should be on standby to place the children from these dregs of society into loving homes.  The amount of young women who appear on the show for DNA testing on their children to prove paternity is shocking.  There are often three or four potential fathers................it appears to be normal practice.  I know JK is getting well paid for his show, but listening to the excuses, lies and general nonsense spouting forth from the mouths of the participants must be depressing after a while.  The shouting and bad attitude between the guests makes Eastenders appear to be full of happy-go-lucky families.  Is Britain the only nation to have such a pool of degenerates or is it just that we like to wash our dirty tracksuits in public?

More misinformation, x-rays and differences

Following on from the cancellation of my appointment by British Gas and their subsequent text confirming the same appointment seven hours after it should have happened (are you keeping up?), I received two emails three days after the cancelled date confirming they would be attending at the original time.....................absolutely brilliant.  Gawd ‘elp them guv’nor they can’t help it.  Even more bizarrely I then received a telephone call a few days later to say the engineer would be calling that afternoon.  The boiler has now been serviced and all the radiators are working, even the one in the hallway which has not had any heat in it for three years.  Excellent location of this one.............right by the front door so I can now keep callers warm when they are outside on the step.

Perhaps they are in league with the post office as yet again the deliveries in my area have become sporadic.  A friend spoke to the local sorting office in town last week as she was urgently awaiting some parcels containing essential products for her business only to be told there were 250 parcels awaiting sorting but no staff to do it!  So many complaints were subsequently received that there was a special parcel delivery service on Sunday morning.  None of this bodes well for the Christmas chaos.

The whole world has gone strange as I received a text last Friday reminding me of a GP’s appointment for the following day.  This would have been really helpful if I had actually made an appointment in the first place.  I called the surgery and discovered the appointment was with a different GP to my own and nobody could tell me who had made the booking.  Could be a case of mistaken identity I suppose, although the address they quoted was mine.  Reminds me of some years ago when I was having a series of appointments at a hospital local to where I was living.  I had been several times, seen seven different consultants and been given seven different diagnoses.  I was sent for a knee x-ray and after waiting well after the appointed time I was told I could go as they had my film in the file.  Hmmmmm.................okay then, can I just have a look as I have not had the x-ray yet?  Turned out they had put a knee x-ray in my file for someone with the same date of birth as me but with a different name and their left knee had been x-rayed whereas I was having my right one done.  You couldn’t make it up.

Last week I was at the wedding of my godson and his new wife.  It was a great day out and provided an opportunity to have a good chat to people I had not seen for a while.  The registrar caused some amusement when he got the bride’s name wrong several times as it had been misspelt on his order of service.  Eventually all was rectified and the happy couple completed their vows, signed the register and posed for their photos.  I do feel I have aged a lot though as it cannot be possible that the little chap I used to take to the safari park is all grown up and married with a little girl of his own.  Where have the years gone?

I read a book over the weekend written by a friend of almost thirty years standing which tells her life story from childhood until the present day.  Nothing unusual in this you might think, however my friend was born in the wrong body and has undergone gender reassignment surgery to correct this and enable her to live the rest of her life as she knows she should.  It has not been an easy process as she had to tell her family and friends and deal with the fallout from that.  Sadly people who are ‘different’ in any way are still ridiculed, whether their ‘difference’ is race, religion, sexuality, disability, hair colour.............the list goes on and on.  Before making fun of people or being downright rude and insulting to them, we should all take a look in the mirror and check out our own imperfections.  What gives anyone the right to judge themselves better than someone else?  Everyone should be respected for who they are and not what they look like.  We should embrace people’s ‘differences’ and learn from each other.  Perhaps then the world would be a more harmonious and peaceful place in which to live.

Engineers, incompetence and flaming torches

How I love big industries and their cracking service...................not.  I recently booked my annual boiler service with British Gas and was pleased to get a two hour slot which fitted in well with half term so I would definitely be at home instead of nipping out on school runs.  However, the night before the visit I was telephoned by someone from the service centre.........

Me:	“Hello”
British Gas	“Oh hello, you have a boiler service booked for tomorrow”
Me	“Yes, that’s right, between 8 and 10 in the morning”
British Gas	“Ah well we have cancelled it”
Me	“Pardon? You have cancelled it? Why?”
British Gas	“We don’t have any engineers working in your area.................”
Me	“Well that isn’t good enough, I booked this appointment to fit in with my complicated weekly schedule and at the end of the day I pay you a monthly fee for a service agreement which gives me priority for service calls”
British Gas	“As I said, there are no engineers so, well, I can book you in again for the 28th between 8 and 10”
Me	“Oh great, I will be on a school run for the first half hour of that slot and I can guarantee the chap will arrive when I am out with it being the first job of the day”
British Gas	“I can ask the engineer to call you on your home number to let you know he is on the way”
Me	“Hmmm that will be useful then as I have just said I will very likely be out.  He will need to ring my mobile number instead.  You can expect a letter in the post about this as it is not the first time I have been messed around by British Gas.  Can you also check which engineer you are sending as there are several I will not have over the step – you have the list”
British Gas	“Okay then, I will make a note of that and the engineer will see you on the 28th, goodbye”

Aaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhh!  Why are people SO incompetent?  To put the top hat on it, I received a text from British Gas seven hours after my original appointment time confirming my appointment for that day.  You couldn’t make it up.

Just been looking at the route for the 2012 Olympic Torch travels with the accompanying statement “95% of UK will be within 10 miles of Olympic Torch Route”.  Well unless the vast majority of people are planning on moving house before then, this statement is incorrect.  Northamptonshire where I live is totally bypassed with nearest ‘torch point’ being in Oxford some 30 plus miles away.  Looking at the Scottish leg of the route it appears no towns other than the major cities exist.  On a more informative note though, by giving the dates of when and where the torch is stopping off this enables people to plan their free time to either bowl up and view the glorified birthday candle or alternatively avoid places like the plague as the hotel, food and tourist costs will undoubtedly rocket over the period.  Well it is rip off Britain after all.  I hope on 5^th July when the flame visits the beach huts at Southwold that care is taken by the carrier not to stand too close to the structures otherwise there may be little to observe the following day other than a pile of ashes.

Halloween, fireworks and the big freeze

Halloween has been and gone for another year and I must admit to being pleasantly surprised at the effort put into costumes worn by the many groups of small folk who banged on the door.  Ghosts, witches, monsters of various varieties and other spooky offerings were most welcome on an unusually warm evening.  All the children were polite and took the packs of chewy jelly sweets on offer (I had already removed the lollies and Parma violets for my own consumption) then went on their way to their next port of call.  The local dentists must have been rubbing their hands in glee and planning their next Caribbean cruise.  What a shame there was an older group of lads going around egging the revellers and any houses that had their lights off..............there is always someone willing to spoil it for others.  I am guessing they were also responsible for the trail of pumpkin innards along the main road the following morning.  I didn’t dress up for the occasion – I felt the sight of me opening the door dressed in my Lycra in readiness for a Zumba class was scary enough.

My Dad always enjoys Halloween as he believes it is his own special event with the whole world saying “Hello Ian” all day..............

The next couple of weeks are jam packed with events on the planner starting with Bonfire Night this weekend involving a street party affair in my parents close.  During past years this has been very successful and a good way of socialising with the neighbours who live further up and are only on waving terms for the rest of the year.  There is a barbecue, bonfire and mega fireworks so plenty of oooooh and aaaaaah viewing opportunities.

I read today that the weather is due to change within the next two weeks with temperatures down to minus fifteen degrees and a Siberian freeze is on the way.  By Christmas it could be as low as minus 20.  Okay, well the forecasters are reliable in getting it wrong more often than right so I won’t be getting my muffler and yeti boots out just yet..................however we have to expect colder weather as it is after all nearly winter.  Perhaps these reports are just to put the fear of all things holy into everyone but if it encourages the local councils to sort out their supplies of grit in time then perhaps it is not a bad thing.  Who knows, after the big freeze season is over and done the council might see fit to repair the pot holes that have been around since 2009, although I expect they will still be trying save money and will add the holes to the ‘savings’ made by switching off the street lights.  The idea of the Government putting a hold on council tax increases for a couple of years is not such a good idea after all really as it has given the local authority the freedom to make these wonderful decisions without any thought or consideration to the taxpaying public.  The local play park has a zebra crossing on the very busy main road adjacent to it and yes, you have guessed it, the lights have been switched off by the crossing.  The dim light given off by the belisha beacons is not enough to see anyone in dark clothing using the crossing at dusk or later.  It is a disaster waiting to happen.

Various celebrities have recently inflicted quirky names on their offspring and unfortunately this trend is becoming more and more rife within so-called normal everyday folk.  Do these people never think long term about what they are doing?  Obviously not.  At some stage these little souls will be grown up and have to enter the workplace, expect to be taken seriously and command an air of authority.  Sadly they are more likely to be a source of ridicule amongst their peers throughout their school days and have low self esteem.

Must sign off here as I need to take little Fireplace-Woodchip to playgroup.