Cards, Christmas and cocktail sticks

Here we are the week before Halloween and unbelievably there is a card shop (one of the big chains) in a local main town with their Christmas cards on sale.  What is the problem with that?  Nothing........................what is a problem is the Easter cards that are for sale alongside them.  In the name of all things holy (a category which I guess Christmas and Easter fall into) what is that all about?

Every so often I revert to reading children’s books for a bit of nostalgia and have just worked my way through the boxed sets of ‘Malory Towers’ and ‘St Clare’s’ stories about life in girls boarding schools.  As a child I was rather envious of my friend Caroline who had all these books and several shelves of other great titles – her father worked for the publishing company involved in producing them so naturally she had a full collection of exciting books.  Anyway, I was really looking forward to some wonderful tales but soon realised Enid Blyton had her put her own twist on the goings on in such schools.  The ways in which the teachers speak to (and about) the girls is shocking and the amount of bullying between the pupils is equally repulsive.  Oh what a shame these schools were not subjected to the rules and regulations of Ofsted................they would have been closed down and never allowed to re-open.  They make the inner city schools of today who are operating on ‘special measures’ look like Eton.  Not only that, but Enid’s plot writing was revealed as rather limited with virtually identical situations and characters in the two series of books.  Oh well, never mind, at last I have finally got around to reading them!

The clocks go back this weekend which has brought the usual doom and gloom response from my Dad...............”the dark nights are a waste of time, you can’t do anything, it is cold and miserable”.  This is followed closely by “when I was a boy we had double summer time and it was daylight until 11 o’clock every night”.  Anyone would think that during the long summer evenings he is out in the garden until nightfall, when in reality he is generally to be found settled down in his armchair hiding behind the Daily Telegraph marking up items for my Mum to read later (that is of course when he is not reading out the entire paper to her whilst she is trying to watch her soap operas).  I have to agree though that the hour going back is rubbish and I am all for abolishing it in favour of adopting European time (and European chocolate cake, but that is another story).

Christmas shopping is due to start this weekend to get ahead of the total madness of the last five weeks leading up to the big day.  My list is prepared on a spreadsheet as usual so hopefully a few bargains around the shops will leap into my trolley, self wrap, and deliver themselves to Lapland to Santa can pop them on his sleigh in good time for dropping them down the relevant chimneys.  I might include a bag of homemade biscuits for the portly chap in a red suit as he must get peckish on his round the world expedition.

Talking of which, my brother and his girlfriend are bringing their holiday snaps for viewing on Sunday.  Apparently they took around 200 in the end which is about 190 more than they usually take but nowhere near the amount I end up with.  Perhaps I should bowl up with mine plus accompanying video, lock the door and insist they watch them too.  Copious amounts of black coffee and Red Bull should keep them awake.  Failing that I will have to keep poking their legs with cocktail sticks.

Airports, television crews and tragedies

As the final of the Rugby World Cup took place over the weekend, it was suggested to me that as the New Zealand squad perform the Haka prior to kick off then perhaps the English team ought to show off our national tradition...............Morris Dancing.  Good idea!  Why not expand the theme further?  The French could perform the Can-Can; Scottish players might like to show their prowess at sword dancing; the Irish could line up for a quick Riverdance; the Aussies might like to give us a chorus of Waltzing Matilda complete with actions..................oh the possibilities are endless.  Of course it could all be taken a degree further with each team providing traditional culinary fare for the opposition pre-match.  Not sure how playing on a gut full of escargot and frogs legs would go down with the players though.  Be worth a try (pardon the pun) just to see what happens.

My brother and his girlfriend returned from their holiday to Australia and the Far East at the weekend.  Being the wonderful sibling that I am, I was out of the house at 05:20 to head on down to Heathrow (God’s hell hole) to pick them up.  On arriving at the meeting area in terminal 3 I spotted a film chap from Sky Sports with his camera trained on the folks emerging bleary eyed from their overnight flights.  Ah ha...........he is obviously there for the Welsh rugby team coming home from New Zealand I thought.  I managed to get a prime position in front of his camera and waited for the homecoming fourth-placed chunky chaps to head on through the doors.  Eventually, various members of the team appeared kitted out in team polo shirts..............yay!  I took a few pictures on my BlackBerry (not that I recognised any of the players) but was a little bewildered at the total lack of fans awaiting their heroes’ arrival.  Amidst this excitement appeared my brother and his girlfriend, smiling as they spotted the laminated sign bearing their names and pictures of the cities they had visited.  It turned out they had been on the same flight as the rugby folk and it was not the Welsh RFU team, but a Rugby League team (I have no idea which one) instead.  The last time I ran into anyone famous (I use the term loosely here) at the airport was on another occasion when I was picking said sibling up (there is a theme developing here) and Black Lace wandered past.  Fortunately there was no chorus of Agadoo coming from them otherwise I might have felt compelled to deny my own nationality in embarrassment.

My brother did make me chuckle when he said the baggage carousel had a huge crate travelling around which belonged to the rugby team.  It was clearly marked up with its contents “Crutches and Neck Braces”.................excellent!

Back to reality and the past week has seen the deaths of two talented figures in motorsport.  The first was the IndyCar driver Dan Wheldon who was caught up in a multi car accident at the Las Vegas circuit and had his car flip over then hit the barrier.  The second took place at Sepang in Malaysia when MotoGP star Marco Simoncelli crashed on lap two of the motorbike GP and suffered fatal injuries.  Whilst both these incidents are tragic and the loss of young lives is never good, they both died whilst doing the job they loved and had chosen to do.  The big money to be made in motorsport is undoubtedly an attraction, but all the drivers and riders have the burning ambition to be the best they can and win the trophies regardless of remuneration.  I only hope I do not have to comment after the next F1 race on a similar tragedy.  R.I.P. Dan and Marco, your passion for your chosen sports will be missed as much as your vibrant personalities.

Paintings, pooches and photographs

Unbelievably I have had yet another poorly sighted individual trying to sell me their wares on the doorstep.  This time a youngish foreign lass had a stack of paintings with her and in broken English tried to start her sales pitch.  Unlucky.................I pointed at the sign, told her I don’t buy at the door and she slung her hook (well actually she slung her paintings over her shoulder) and departed.  Looks like I will have to install a row of land mines to deter further intrusions.

Glad to see that despite the recent articles in the media exposing Tesco for advertising bargains that do not really exist, things have not changed.  I bought a brand of kitchen rolls there today for £1.86 in the regular aisle, great, fairly cheap for something that in the end finds its way to the bin.  However, on walking around to the ‘promotions’ they had the same item for the bargain price of £2.00............... When I went to the checkout the higher price scanned.  Needless to say I brought this to the attention of the staff and the price was amended.  It is also cheaper to buy two 24 packs of Weetabix than to buy a 48 pack one............... Looks like I will start shopping elsewhere soon.  Upon returning to the same store two days later I noticed all the kitchen rolls were priced at £2.00 – what a surprise................

This week I watched a television programme that highlighted how people in China ‘love’ their dogs.  This manifests itself in taking the poor mutts to specialist ‘poodle parlours’ to have them clipped, and dyed to make them appear as various other animals such as tigers, pandas and cows.  There was one poor creature that had been sprayed to look like it was wearing a bikini and another who was coloured up as Superman.  Manicures complete with nail varnish were being carried out on the dogs too.  The whole thing made the way pooches are pampered in the USA look totally normal.

Cadbury’s crème eggs are in the shops already, however this time the early batch is called ‘Screme Eggs’ and aimed at the Halloween market.  The only difference is the yellow yolk is now green; the taste is just the same as the originals.  True to form I expect the ‘real’ crème eggs to be in the shops the week before Christmas, at which point I will feel obliged to carry out a taste test.  I am sure there is a law that these tasty morsels have to be eaten three at a time.

My parents’ conservatory roof has become covered in mildew and general grime over the past couple of years so off I went with the power washer to blast away the offending dirt.  Most of the roof was easy to access whilst balancing on the top platform of a step ladder and by using a combination of brushes, water and cloths I managed to achieve a good result.  To reach the trickier bits I had to hang out of an upstairs window with my parents holding onto my legs.............rather in keeping with the type of health and safety precautions I have seen in mainland Europe.  The guttering around the structure was clogged up with leaves and bread deposited by the birds, along with standing water which cannot drain away effectively due to the poor installation of the gutters and no downward slope towards the drainpipe.  Anyhow, I decided the best course of action would be to remove as much of the water as possible so I could locate the leaves more easily.  I asked my Mum for a scoop to make the job easier (fully expecting a yogurt pot or similar to be produced)..........she returned with an ice cream scoop.  There really is no hope for some people.

My brother and his girlfriend are currently holidaying in Australia with a bit of Hong Kong and Singapore thrown in for good measure.  They have been having a great time by all accounts with good weather and plenty of new experiences.  During a telephone call to my parents the other day he mentioned he had taken “quite a few” photos of this trip of a lifetime..............around one hundred.  Good grief, have I not taught him anything?  One hundred is only a couple of day’s worth in my world.  How can anyone travel all that way and only take a few photos?  Bonkers if you ask me.  Needs his bumps feeling.

Fish, teeth and ghouls

Yet another person unable to understand the yellow “please do not bother knocking to try and sell me your wares as I definitely do not buy at the door” sticker.  This time it was the fishmonger asking if he could interest me in placing an order for a load of dead sea creatures.  Err, no thank you very much.  This sticker obviously needs to be placed higher up – I guess alongside the doorbell would be good.  Perhaps I can purchase a device (from a shop, not at the door, obviously) that detects peddlers on my doorstep and bites their hand as soon as they press the doorbell.  Either that or a boxing glove that whizzes out and hits them on the nose.  I will add these goodies to my list for Father Christmas (they should fit easily on his sleigh).

The fine weather has all but vanished now, the 80 degree temperature has given way to strong winds with snow forecast on higher ground over the next few days.  Whenever I have cause to venture outside I return wearing hair that Worzel Gummidge would be proud to call his own.  If only I had his fine dress sense my life would be complete.

My long awaited visit to yet another dentist has now happened.  To recap, I changed dental practices again earlier in the year and the dentist I was allocated subsequently left.  I was then transferred to another one but this was then amended by the practice to a new lady.  Anyhow, off I went with little hope of satisfaction, but....................I was very pleasantly surprised!  This dentist looked at the x-rays taken by he-who-shall-remain-nameless, had a good old poke around then said all that needs sorting is a filling in my one remaining wisdom tooth and a replacement for the temporary filling that fell out (after three years, so it wasn’t really much of a temporary one after all)....................I certainly do not need the fistful of crowns that I had originally been told. Result!  I made the appointment for the repairs on the way out but now need to re-book as I managed to coincide it with my godson’s wedding day.............bit of a senior moment going on there.

Last week I was incensed to read postings on a local page of a popular social networking site concerning the fatality of someone in town.  The circumstances were tragic enough but for people to be posting their own version of the situation and speculating as to what had happened was insensitive, cruel and downright unnecessary.  These ghouls might just have well posted the name of the person along with a photo of proceedings – that was about all they left out of their comments.  The postings started a very short time after the event had happened and I was so angry on the family’s behalf that I changed my status on the site to reflect this.  Within a few minutes the original messages had been deleted and I received several comments and private emails from people totally agreeing with what I had said.  Social networking sites are an excellent way of keeping in contact with people and passing relevant information around, but to make a ‘thread’ for people to add to concerning someone’s tragedy is totally inappropriate.  The messages had been posted so quickly that there was no guarantee that the family concerned had even been advised.  Gossiping is simply not acceptable and I can only hope that the family did not read any of the items on view to the while population of the town.

Dairy products, giraffes and yellow labels

Another day and another bizarre (and obviously ignorant) caller at the door.  On hearing the doorbell I opened the door and was greeted by a middle aged chap (I should know what one looks like as he was the same sort of age as me)................the conversation went like this.

Chap	“Hello, I’m helping my friend Martin the milkman who delivers to your neighbours and I am trying to get some more customers for him”
Me	“Nobody has milk delivered along here”
Chap	“Yes they do, the people at number 21 have a delivery”
Me	“No they don’t as the lady works in Tesco and buys it from there.  Anyway, ( as I point and waggle my finger at the door) this sticker says I do not buy at the door so you shouldn’t have knocked”
Chap	“I didn’t see that (it is bright yellow, has the local Police emblem and details on and is positioned on the front door), but would you like to order a delivery?”
Me	“No, I don’t have milk”
Chap	“Oh right, do you have soya then?”
Me	“No, I told you I don’t have milk”
Chap	“How about juices?  I can do you a full range”
Me	“No, nothing like that, I am not interested and I don’t buy at the door as you know”
Chap	“Okay then, how about yogurts or cheese?”
Me	“No.  Bye now” (followed by loud bang as I closed the door)

Of course on reflection I should have sent him packing with directions to the local guide dog centre as his eyesight is obviously failing, this being confirmed by his inability to see a bright yellow sign in clear daylight.  I love the way callers claim not to see the sign and also lie about what my neighbours may or may not have delivered.  The solution is simple...............I need to erect a tower over the front door with a supply of grand pianos to be dropped one at a time on these people.

I am persevering with the Zumba class once a week in an effort to tone up a bit and have a laugh at the same time.  However hard I try to keep up with the movements and routines, I always end up performing with all the grace of a new born giraffe trying to stand for the first time and a windmill with sails all going in different directions.  Never mind though, I have a fun hour and it is a fiver well spent (plus I have bought the right clothing to wear so I need to get the value out of it).

My latest gripe with one of the ‘big four’ supermarkets is their so called ‘special offers’ which are not all they seem.  Bright yellow labels on the pricing strip attract the attention of shoppers and lead them to believe the product they are popping into their trolley is a bargain.  I am building up quite a collection of photos showing the pricing labels with offers such as “£1.5o or two for £3.00” (for cheese) or “£1.00 or five for £5.00” (pre-packed ham)............... You see what I mean?  This practice has apparently been brought to the attention of the media and several newspapers have printed relevant articles.  Unfortunately the supermarket gurus appear not to read the newspapers they sell. 

Cake, canoes and conservatories

I have now returned from a lovely holiday in Slovenia where exploring the country and eating chocolate cake for elevenses was the order of the day.  Despite the best effort of Thomson’s to scupper the plans by giving totally the wrong accommodation address (hotel details given not self catering apartment as booked – just as well I like a mystery tour), providing three contact numbers that were dead lines, failing to give the hire car company the necessary paperwork and generally being somewhat on the lax side...............the trip was great, beautiful scenery, delightful local people and a country where it was easy to get around.  Once again I noticed how mainland European countries are, shall we say, lacking in what they consider to be necessary health and safety requirements.

Of the many building sites and road works I encountered, only two hard hats were visible (and I believe these were being used for sun protection rather than to stop the wearers being clouted on the head by falling objects.  One chap had a wheelbarrow right at the top of a multi storey building without any form of guarding to stop it rolling off.  Another guy was happily chainsawing the roof timbers on his house and they were dropping through to where his mate was standing (un-hatted of course) and he simply stepped aside as each one fell.

The amount of children out on the lakes paddling canoes (whilst standing up no less) without a single lifejacket between them amazed me – the oldest child could only have been around nine years old.  In fact nowhere around the lakes were lifebelt rings installed.  One young boy stood on a body-board and paddled from one end of the lake to the other.  Despite these incidents nobody fell in the water and drowned and no site workers were left with a hammer sticking out of their skull so I guess perhaps we are rather over the top in the UK with the rules and regulations.  However, I am still not going for a paddle without my lifejacket, length of rope securing me to the promenade and a safety flare in my hand (you can never be too careful).

Since returning to Blighty I have received another offer for old age products.................this time it is ‘Retirement Homes in your Area’.  I am seriously thinking about contacting these folks and asking for more information as they are obviously determined to make a sale.  It is almost as ridiculous as the leaflet posted through my letterbox when I lived in a first floor flat............”Let Us Give You A Free Quote For Your New Conservatory”.................great bit of market research and a total lack of sense on the part of the delivery person.  Yes please, come along and quote – do I get a discount for your stupidity?