Fumes, apples and phones

Now then, I like a bargain wherever possible, particularly in this economic climate so was rather excited to hear of a local clearance sale.  A toiletries factory advertised such an event for the past weekend and promised bargains galore.  Excellent, so off my Mum and I went to do our gift shopping for the next five years.

Hmmmm, okay then, we arrived at the entrance to the car park only to be redirected to the street for parking as room was needed for the ambulance in attendance.  Good start then, so we parked up and I helped the lame lady manoeuvre her dodgy hip across the street and dodged a few cars for good measure.  We joined the end of the queue and expected to soon be through the doors to fill a bag or two with goodies.  This was where our positive expectations ended.  After around twenty minutes some helpful chap arrived with a tray of chocolate biscuits (wrapped ones fortunately to avoid the possibility of catching smallpox from folk breathing on or handling them) and I helped myself to one.  The queue was getting longer by the minute but the people who had been at the front of the line when we arrived were still there as only a certain number were being admitted at a time.  Two people emerged laden down with purchases and chatted to the waiting masses, jovially informing us that the prices were really cheap but there was a long wait to pay. The third person to emerge was on a stretcher having collapsed inside the sale room (at a guess I would say the fumes from the products had got to her as they were along the lines of a chemical warfare attack).  At this point we gave up our places and returned home without any bargains whatsoever.  On a positive note I did comment we had actually saved loads of money by not spending any.  The casualty from the day was smiling as she left and had a good colour so I guess all was well.

My constant bugbear regarding the price of a bag of Granny Smiths has been brought to the surface again this week.  I used to shop at a main supermarket chain for my weekly groceries but when their prices started to change week on week (upwards of course) I changed to another chain and up until now most things have been price matched or cheaper.  However, this week I wandered in to buy a bag of apples to discover they have risen by 32p a bag to £1.92................it is bad enough when prices increase by a penny or two but this was just ridiculous.

I am now off to a budget chain in the next town where the same amount of Granny Smiths in a bag is 99p – if they can do it then there is no reason why the big chains cannot.  An apple is an apple – they all come from the same source and there is no valid reason why prices should vary so much.  Mr Boss-in-charge-of-Supermarkets please note there is an uprising in this town against your prices with more and more people choosing to shop at the budget chains.  At this rate you will no longer have a need to stay open later hours as there will be no customers coming through the doors.  I suggest you bear this in mind when putting your little yellow or white price tags on the shelves.

My mobile phone provider has shown a new level of incompetence.  As most people are aware, there is the opportunity to upgrade a handset before the end of the contract.  I was advised prior to Christmas that I could do this and spent a few days researching which all singing and all dancing model I would opt for.  Okay, so I went online only to find that the date had now changed to January.........oh well, only a couple of weeks, no problem.  January comes around, I go online and.............9^th March is the earliest.  Today I decided to get ahead of the game for next week and, yes, you have guessed it, the date has changed yet again to 18^th April.  I contacted them via a complex and drawn out system of push this and that button, spin on your head three times, perform a Scottish Reel................and eventually I got to speak to someone who advised me that upgrade dates are automatically advised even when a customer doesn’t qualify for that date.  Roll on mid April to see if it actually happens this time.  You couldn’t make it up.

Car keys, foundations and a bird

Having my parents living just up the road instead of 60-odd miles away as they used to do comes in handy on many occasions such as feeding the cat when I am away or doing bits of shopping for me when they are out and about.

This week I set my Dad a new challenge............I had been to Tesco with one of the littlies, loaded the shopping into the boot, strapped the little chap into his car seat, shut the door then went to open the driver’s door.  Ah, right, ok then..............keys are inside the car on the seat (having slung them there to free up a hand for seat harness operation) and the doors have self locked.  Normally my folks would have been out in another town doing their shopping but fortunately today they had stayed local.  I called their house phone and by some miracle my Dad answered (he normally sits in the same room as the phone and announces “phone” when it rings so my Mum and her dodgy hip can shuffle forth and take the call)...... “I need you to go and get my spare car key please and bring it to Tesco as I am locked out and the little chap is in the car” I announced, following this up with the location of my spare key.  I was a little concerned that he might not find the key and he has absolutely no idea of my mobile number for further instructions (however he carries his own house phone number in his top pocket as even after five years he has still not remembered it!).........never mind, he managed to find it and I spotted him coming into the car park.  I started to wave frantically (rather like the man in the 1970’s coastguard adverts when the people on the beach thought he was waving a greeting rather than indicating he was about to drown) and after a visit into the store Dad reappeared and spotted me.  All sorted out and the little chap decided to sleep through the whole event!  I am glad the rain decided to hold off as I had quite enough of getting soaked at the rugby day.  What a daft feature on a car, self locking after thirty seconds non-use after being unlocked.

The ongoing saga of the falling down conservatory has moved up a notch.  The company have agreed that it needs to come down and the foundations will be 2.5 metres instead of the 13 inches that is currently holding (almost) up the structure.  This all sounds good.............however, they plan to make a start on it in the middle of March.  This is the same time my Mum’s new hip is being installed...........looks like a busy couple of weeks then.  Dad will need to hone his tea and coffee making skills to keep the chaps hydrated.  I would offer to do this but unfortunately due to the fact that I don’t drink hot beverages, apparently I cannot make them.  Visitors to my house are given the accoutrements to create a cup of hot stuff and left to get on with it...............I find that friendships are preserved this way.  The only person who actually did brave my brown liquid in a mug was the window cleaner.  He has subsequently given up his window round in its entirety.  This is a totally true fact.

This week I managed to take some really good photos of a red kite (string less variety) as it floated around over my house.  What a beautiful creature it was to behold happily letting the warm air carry it back and forth with ideal spying opportunities for its lunch.  For many years now I have wanted to capture some pictures of one, however up until now my only option has been to stand in the outside lane of the M40 near to their nesting grounds.  As this is obviously a little tricky (not to say probably illegal) I have not tried and so the unexpected appearance of the feathered one made my day!

Hopefully the England Rugby Union team can extend my happiness this weekend, however I shan’t hold my breath judging by their past two performances.

Appointments, getting wet and collecting tickets

Last Monday evening I loaded my parents into the car and headed off to the local private hospital so Mum could see the consultant about having a new hip.  Great system, this hospital is carrying out the overspill from the NHS list and in no way actually looks like a hospital.  We arrived in the dark and fumbled our way through the poorly lit car park which was strewn with pot holes and slippery drain covers, but safely made it through the doors into an empty waiting area.  Excellent, plenty of seating space and it was really hot which was useful in thawing out my now corpse-like fingers and bringing some normal colour back to them.  Mum had the wrong glasses on for completing the registration form so the task fell to me................all was going well until I spotted the name of the consultant.  He is the same French chap I saw five years ago who had a less than ideal command of English and kept passing me a translation book and asking “How you zay eeeeen Eeeenglish?”  Hmm, ok then, this could be interesting.  Never mind, off she hobbled into the room (phrase book in hand) and emerged later on with an admission date for around four weeks time to “’av ze new heeep feeeted”.  Hopefully the stay in hospital will only be around four days and be followed by walking with a stick for seven weeks (shouldn’t pose a problem as she has a dozen broomsticks lined up indoors) then off to London to take part in the relay race in the Olympics.  Prior to her stay I am sourcing a crash course for her in basic French skills to aid communication between patient and surgeon.

Last time Mum had surgery they couldn’t knock her out..............after several goes and frustrated staff saying “You must be sleepy now” off she went into slumber land.  On waking, she was confused to discover the hernia she had gone in to have removed was still part of her person.  Never mind, the surgeon visited next morning to check on her progress with a posse of medical students tailing him.  He told her they had not found a hernia and asked who had told her there was one. “You did” replied my Mum with a wry smile.  Apparently the surgeon beat a hasty retreat from the foot of her bed with a line of students in his wake trying to stifle their laughter!

Great day over the past weekend.........I went to watch an under 12’s rugby tournament that my friends son was playing in.  His team won the whole event and were presented with a cup at the Northampton Saints home game that afternoon.  However, the weather left a lot to be desired and was so wet by the semi-final round that I ended up with two pairs of soaking wet socks inside soaking wet walking boots and had to remain this way all afternoon due to then going to watch the Saints game.  Ironically the sun came out for the afternoon followed by more hail and a rainbow.  All that was missing was a plague of locusts.  On shopping at the club kiosk I delved into my backpack for funds only to find a puddle at the bottom of the bag.............absolutely everything was soaked in my purse and I handed the cashier two limp (and near to disintegration) notes.  He was last seen putting them on the heater to dry out as I scooted off to find my seat in the ground!

Dream of the week..............I was supposed to be going to see a pantomime but had to collect the tickets from someone two minutes away on foot.  On my way there I was running through Debenhams glass and china department and no matter how fast I ran I wasn’t getting anywhere.  I managed to get out of the building and found myself on the streets of Bruges (are you keeping up here?).  Off I went again trying to get to the tickets but ended up having to dodge armed police who were carrying out a standoff with some fool holed up in a house.  Eventually I wound up in a village hall where the playgroup session had just been cancelled due to all the lights going off.  I woke up at this point.................never did get those tickets.  Again I have no idea what this means but all answers on a postcard will be considered.

Unwanted calls, bagel shops and addictions

More snow has fallen since my last publication but at last the temperature has picked up and the grass is visible again.  It wouldn’t have been so bad had the snow been the right sort for building snowmen instead of powdery stuff that fell apart as soon as it was handled.  Hopefully that will be the lot now and the spring flowers can get on with blooming instead of having to battle their way through the frozen stuff.  If I wanted to live in these conditions I would have moved to Antarctica some time ago.

At last I have found a way to get rid of unwanted marketing telephone calls.  I have registered with the Telephone Preference Service and almost instantly I have noticed a huge reduction in the annoying voice activated calls, marketing calls from foreign parts and general sales calls from the UK.  Praise be!  The unwanted emails are still arriving thick and fast but at least I can just hit the delete button and they are destined to vanish into cyberspace for eternity.

I may have mentioned before that when I sleep on my left side I have very peculiar dreams.  Never happens in any other sleeping position so is obviously an odd quirk related to my world.  Anyhow, I made the mistake of nodding off on my left over the weekend and entered another strange adventure..................I found myself at a garden fete type event where there was a high wooden tower.  Bizarrely some of the children I have looked after in the past were jumping from said tower and landing in an odd heap on the grass, quite obviously hurt.  As I went to move towards them I was led away by a mystery male figure (tall, well built but faceless) and taken to a bagel shop.  Whilst in the queue exchanging in pleasantries with fellow customers, we were told to leave as the shop was closing for the start of the Sabbath................I then found myself inside a large synagogue full of familiar faces.  At this point I woke up!  Any thoughts on the meaning behind any part of this wacky dream would be appreciated.  Perhaps I ought to start a ‘Dream of the Week’ feature?

Another talented celebrity has passed away at a young age (well I have to say young as she was the same age as me).  As yet there has been no confirmation as to what caused her demise although with her history of addictions and other issues the gossip columnists are making up their own minds.  Once again, little thought has been given to the family and friends who have been immediately affected and the body bag was filmed being loaded into an ambulance.  Time and time again when the famous amongst us either go off the rails or meet their maker earlier than planned, there is a common theme.............nobody has ever said the word ‘no’ to them.  Demands made by the celebrity become more ridiculous every time (for example they won’t use a dressing room unless the sweetie bowl only has red M&M’s in it; bottled water must be chilled to an exact temperature or else it will be binned...............and so the list goes on) and they enter a false world where they expect everyone to bow down to them without any degree of sensibility kicking in.  Whitney Houston has left a wealth of great music for the world to remember her by, sadly I daresay people will now hear her on the radio and think “Oh yeah, she was a drug addict, shame really as she had a lovely voice........”  Another case of do not judge others until you have walked a mile in their shoes.  Nobody chooses to have either an addiction or a mental illness but there is still a lot of stigma attached to both.  RIP Whitney, your music throughout the 1980’s and 1990’s was a major part of my playlist and I daresay your ‘people’ will now be making a mint from a hastily re-released greatest hits collection.

Looking yellow, getting wet and being mean

My recent decorating efforts have provided an unexpected bonus........the yellow walls are so vibrant (at not at all like the paler shade shown on the tin) that when I am in there the reflection makes me look jaundiced!  I am thinking of adding a few palm trees and sand then having a stack of photographs taken to imply I have been on an exotic trip as I will finally have a holiday glow.

This is of course preferable to the dump of snow that landed over the weekend.  Whilst it looked pretty when fresh and wasn’t as deep as the offering twelve months ago, it is not a welcome addition to the landscape.  Within hours the streets were awash with grey, slippery, slushy mess making it a tricky operation to get safely from A to B.  Apparently the colder weather is due to last for another few weeks with the possibility of yet more white flakes.  This is not what I ordered thank you so please send a returns label as soon as possible.

This week’s little gem on the email front came from a company offering a discounted trial in “a senior care home in your area, providing all the amenities you need for your twilight years”. Whoopee,  I might just book in for a week or two – sounds like they cater for everything (although at the first sign of a library within the building I will be hot footing it to be industrially decontaminated..........filthy places libraries............all those books being handled by an incalculable amount of people..............breeding grounds for smallpox).

My brother had an unpleasant surprise on returning home from work last week............a burst pipe in the loft had created an indoor water park in various rooms of his house.  Fortunately most of the water landed on stone floors with under floor heating so dried out fairly easily.  One of his carpets is still a bit soggy but luckily the water had only been running for a couple of hours before he found it.  In these situations it is normal to contact your insurance company for help, which of course he did................however, despite having paid extra on the premium to guarantee a plumber, the company could not provide him with either a man with a mop or a telephone number for one.  Somehow I think they will have lost his custom at renewal time.

Social networking sites have their place in modern society as it is easy to keep in contact with friends and family, share photos, arrange reunions and so on.  However, with this comes the problem of people using them as tools to hide behind when making spiteful comments about others.  My local area has a dedicated page on such a site which allegedly is just for passing local information between people.  Sadly, this is becoming more like an open forum for internet bullying and plain nastiness.  The same handful of people are usually at the forefront of the unacceptable comments and get plenty of ‘likes’ from their friends for their holier than thou attitudes towards others.  Quite frankly I refuse to subscribe to the page but take a look at weekly in case there is anything of relevance to me.  Every time (and I do mean every time) I look there are comments slagging off other people and the perpetrators are always the same.  The administrators of the site seem most of the time to let the comments stay, which in turn adds fuel to the fire as more and more people join in the tirades, very often getting totally out of hand and threatening.  Strangely, on occasions where the comments have been directed at the administrators personally, the comments are deleted.  Why can’t people grow up and treat people with respect?  It is not big or clever, but what goes around comes around so I guess in time they will get what they have dished out.