Miami, monsoons and medicines

Howdy y’all I am back from the trip to Florida and what a smashing time was had.  The flight over to Miami was fine then we queued for what seemed like an eternity to clear passport control.  Our officer (more Hank Hillbilly than officer) was far more entertaining than is normally encountered in the USA, he cracked jokes, smiled and actually I think he had probably relieved the monotony of his day by taking some controlled substance or other.  Anyway, having successfully been granted entry we headed to the dedicated area for car hire, filled out the forms and were told to report to area six where we could choose whatever car in the range we wanted!  Well this was a new experience as normally cars are pre-allocated so we hung around until one appeared that suited us and off we headed.  By now it was 6pm local time and negotiating Miami and its wonders was entertaining.......very unsavoury area near to the airport but we were soon on Interstate 75 and heading across state to our destination.  On route we stopped at a service station which turned out to be at the edge of the Seminole reservation and sampled our first pizza slice of the fortnight.  This was no UK slice, oh no.  Imagine an 18” pizza, quartered, and there you have it.  This was the first of three visits to this eatery and on the final airport bound trip we saw the resident large alligator staring out from the pond.  There was a sign on the chain link fence warning the public not to feed the reptile........amazingly the fencing was only on one short length of the pond and the alligator could easily climb out and go for a stroll.  Imagine returning to your car after using the foodery or restroom to be met by a knobbly creature with staring eyes at the side of your car....... I digress, so onward with the journey during which we drove through several electrical storms coupled with torrential rain.  We arrived at the holiday house after dark, switched the television on and the first programme to appear was classic British comedy “Keeping Up Appearances”.

Over the course of the two weeks we went out and about every day taking in the sights and visited several lovely beaches, a zoo where I hand fed a giraffe, shopping malls and the Seminole reservation museum to name but a few.  Prior to leaving the UK we had booked tickets and hotels for a couple of nights in Tampa and Orlando to visit Busch Gardens and SeaWorld.  Now then, we knew there would be daily tropical showers and this was acceptable most days.  What we (and indeed the American people) did not expect was the monsoon that arrived at the exact moment we located our hotel in Tampa.  The deluge started at midday on the Monday and was still going strong when we headed to Orlando the following day.  As a result we only saw half of the attractions at Busch and I was so wet (despite my very attractive waterproof poncho) that I resembled Worzel Gummidge in a burka.  Fortunately the weather improved for our SeaWorld day and I was able to stroke dolphins.  Phil declined the handling part and took photos of me hanging over the wall into the pool.......he was really pleased (or not) when one of the dolphins decided to include him and splashed its tail soaking him from head to foot.  Being a real trouper he managed to shield the camera so scored extra points for that.

The road-kill was rather different to back here........raccoons, turtles, various birds and best of all (well not for the creature obviously), the torso of an alligator being snacked on by a black vulture in the middle of the road!  We also spotted signs for a panther crossing area but sadly did not encounter any.

Apart from the giant pizza slices, every plate of food when eating out was way too big and as for the ‘small’ drinks, well they were 32 fl oz which is roughly two pints.  I brought a beaker home from one of the restaurants as I told the waiter nobody back here would believe me otherwise!  There is a huge (pardon the pun) obesity problem in the USA and this cannot be helped by the portion sizes, unlimited free refills of fizzy (full fat) drinks and drive in this that and the other.  Even pharmacies have drive in facilities.  Cut the portion sizes and get people walking more before the country starts sinking into the sea.

Medical adverts were plentiful on every television channel, with products covering everything from Type 2 diabetes to heart conditions.  The side effects advisories were longer than the advert for the products and included such gems as “should you take this product you may experience severe side effects such as reduced mobility and pancreatitis which could prove fatal....”  I will give that a miss then.  It is a wonder any of these items actually sell.

I previously mentioned that himself was planning to have a go at driving in the USA.......well, he did! Actually he waited until the final full day and announced he was going to drive around the circle of houses where we were staying.  He managed to get around, narrowly missed demolishing our mailbox then claimed “I have driven abroad.....” Hmmmm not quite what I class as driving in foreign parts but it is a start.

The time came to bid farewell to 90 odd degrees heat and 95% humidity and head back to Blighty.  Luckily we landed in reasonably warm weather for the UK in early autumn which softened the blow a bit.  I had no issue in either country with jet lag; however I did spend much of the first week back stalling the car around town as having got used to an automatic I kept forgetting to change gear.

Hey ho, first holiday for 2014 has already been booked.  Have a nice day!

 

New term. new furniture and new state

New term, new furniture and new state

What is that I can hear? Ah yes, the sound of silence as the schools have finally all gone back for the start of the new term.  No more squabbling over toy sharing, the electricity bill has dipped considerably without various electronic gadgets plugged in for charging and the water consumption has returned to normal now that toilet flushing has been reduced to a minimum.

My parents returned from their fortnight away in the north and reported surprisingly good weather for the time of year with only one wet day.  This was in complete contrast to last year’s trip when they were in danger of being washed away by flash flooding.  They returned home to a newly decorated lounge (courtesy of their wonderful daughter – that will be me then) and the new lounge furniture which I had managed to finally get Next to deliver.  It was four weeks late in arriving (sort of makes the word ‘Next’ a bit meaningless) although I did keep receiving calls and texts telling me it was ready to be delivered……on contacting the dispatch people it was apparent that only two out of the three items were available.  This went on and on until I told them that I had two days in which I could take delivery and there was no room for negotiation.  As if by magic the items were suddenly available.  Praise be, a miracle!

A couple of weekends ago we went to the MotoGP for the first time.  It was a totally different atmosphere to the F1 racing, and a shorter race, but the day was marvellous.  These bikers are a crazy bunch………the guy who qualified on pole position the previous day was riding around the track on Sunday morning when he managed to go tippy tumbles and land in the gravel.  He got up gingerly holding his left arm – as it happened, he had dislocated his left shoulder.  That would have smarted a little.  However, he was patched up, given a couple of aspirin and raced in the GP that afternoon, finishing second, having being overtaken on the last bend.  Perhaps the footballers should take heed of this and not have weeks away from kicking the pigs bladder around after they have tripped and broken a nail.

I am packed and ready to head off to Florida for a couple of weeks in the sunshine before winter sets in here.  I have not been to this state before so have been reading up on what there is to do.  Apparently there are thunderstorms every afternoon for a couple of hours so I guess an indoor spot to observe from is a sensible idea.  I contacted the travel company to enquire about upgrading their basic car hire insurance to automatically give me a second driver and a satnav.  Unbelievably I was quoted £462…….I don’t pay anywhere near this for a yearly policy on my car which includes business use and European cover.  After a few internet searches I have managed to hire a satnav for £50, arrange extra hire car cover for £50 and find out the hire car company will add an extra driver for around six dollars a day.  The villa we have hired does not come with a welcome food pack (unlike the James Villas properties we have previously used) so we will be looking out for a Wal-Mart en route from the airport to get some basics.  We are also making a saving on airport parking my using my brother’s drive and getting him to transport us to and from the terminal.  On this note, I reminded my younger sibling that I would be cashing in one of the airport trips he owes me……he appears to have early onset memory loss as apparently I have only dropped and/or collected him twice.  When I have time I will itemise each and every trip I have done for him, including arriving at 2 a.m. to collect him from home only to find he was still packing.

Toilets, a bath and stools

Well then, the music festival has been and gone and was as brilliant as ever.  Being considerably drier than last year added to the ambiance and I was able to wander around in Crocs for part of the weekend.  Highlights included watching Sinead O’Connor who put in a cracking performance and should have been the headline act that evening rather than Primal Scream.  This was in fact what I felt like letting out after their first couple of songs.  Their lead singer appeared to have a giant ants nest in his pants judging by the way he was scooting around the stage. There was the usual mix of quirky folk around and some interesting outfits and hairstyles.  Apart from the delights of the chemical toilets (don’t go there unless you really have to), my real bugbear was the deflating airbed – it started off fine but by every morning it was like sleeping on a pitta bread.

Most bizarre conversation of the weekend involved a festival goer reporting a concern to a paramedic.  He collared him to say he had seen two people unconscious in the main field having taken a variety of substances and a bottle of Jack Daniels.  Great community spirit I thought until he announced he had seen them two hours previously.....

My parents are on their annual jaunt north and I had a call this morning to advise me that the breakfast area of their hotel has a Christmas tree on display, fully decorated. It is August.....  At this rate the trees will be up all year round – in fact some people here leave their external lights up all year (albeit turned off) which I guess saves standing outside in subzero temperatures nearer to the festive season to decorate houses and outbuildings.

Over the bank holiday, we took a day trip over the border into Wales.  It was almost like being on holiday with all the dual language signage.  The only obvious difference was that we were travelling on the left and himself was behind the wheel.  He has yet to fully recover from the Paris experience but is building up to possibly driving in the USA with the reasoning that the car is automatic, the speed limit is slower and the roads are wider. We will wait and see (it could of course be my turn to scream and cuss).

The helpful emails offering me various products continue to flood in.  Current selections include a walk in bath (I am 50 not 90); the old favourite mobility scooter (could be handy for the school run and shopping); and a new one........alcohol rehab (I am teetotal).  Some cracking market research prior to making the offers.  I also had a brochure from a well known company offering me blinds for my non-existent conservatory.  Again, market research at its finest.

Last week my Dad decided to take a stroll to town on one of the hottest days but refused to take a bottle of water.  He did compromise and put a sunhat on although I don’t think any sun cream came out of the pot.  Anyhow, I went out and about doing other stuff and on the way home an hour or so later decided I would try to find him and give him a lift back.  He is easy to spot as he is always wearing a blue shirt and beige trousers (if he ever goes missing it will be easy to give a description) and I spotted him trudging up a hill carrying something large.  When I caught him up I saw he had a large three legged stool newly acquired from the local antique centre.  The reason for the purchase was so he could rest his feet on it in the evenings........okay then, this will go with the other three legged stool you already have in the conservatory then.  Hmmm.....at this point he offered to sell it to me for £10.  Thanks, but no thanks.  On reflection, he could have used it to take a rest on the way home that day and had he put his sunhat on the floor then people might have thought he was begging and thrown coins (or other objects) at him.  A more useful idea would be to keep it in the car and when thirsty, nip into the farmer’s field and milk a cow.

French quirkiness, pants and a reporter

Yes, it is me, I am back!  After my previous blog when I realised some time had passed since the last one, I vowed to get back on track with more regular postings.  However, I have had so little free time that it simply did not happen.

What have I been up to then? Well, to name a few events..........holiday in France, British Grand Prix, weekend in Bristol, visit to The Shard, extra celebration for my birthday, Kenilworth castle, Phil’s 50^th.................oh yes, and working long hours.  Life is crazy.

France was great fun from start to finish.  We headed to Le Mans for the 24 hour race and found our apart-hotel. Great, that was easy.  Checked in and was told that the underground car parking as advertised on the website did not exist and we had the choice of parking outside the accommodation for three hours at time, or use the free car park 500 metres down the road.  We opted for that and abandoned the car for three days.  Ah, the accommodation.......quirky to say the least!  The coffee machine had apparently left with the previous occupiers and we had to wait until the following day to get a kettle (although we were free to help ourselves to boiling water from the breakfast room and carry it through the building.......good old ignorance of health and safety).  Other features of the room included bare wires hanging out of the lights; a lounge style lampshade in the bathroom; the only chair was so broken there was no chance of being able to use it; the pole to pull the net curtain was not attached.......and so it went on.  By far the funniest thing was the cooking arrangement – the electrical hob was in the draining board of the sink adjacent to the tap.  Hmmm, water and electric not really a good mix.  We chose not to use the hob, another example of continental health and safety at its finest.

We had a good time at the race and only laughed a tiny bit (well a lot actually) when the flag people managed to hang the German flag for the winning team upside down on the flagpole.  It was not rectified either and appeared in the motoring magazines the following week.  From Le Mans we headed to Paris for a couple of nights.  As regular readers will know, I enjoy driving abroad and it is usually an easy way to get around.  We programmed the satnav and headed off on our journey.  Now then, this clever gadget was set to take us the quickest route to our destination and apparently this involved traversing through the centre of the city.  We didn’t realise this until we were actually there......ha ha, it was an entertaining experience.  I drove past many of the major tourist locations (some more than once), up the Champs Elysses, under the Arc de Triomphe and considered picking up a few Japanese visitors to add to the tour theme.  We had to negotiate an enormous junction in the city with traffic in multiple lanes in each direction all approaching from various angles as they saw fit, horns blaring and to top it all off there were cyclists and moped riders travelling up the middle of all the lanes.  Phil (not being at all keen on travelling on the wrong side of the road) was beside himself (actually he was beside me), shouting, swearing and stamping his feet. As soon as we got as far as the Arc de Triomphe I knew where I was and we soon found the hotel.  For the next couple of days we relied on public transport whilst Himself’s blood pressure returned to a more normal level.  Our time in Paris was fun and was followed by a trip to Le Touquet on the way home where we stayed in a hotel literally on the beach. 
The day we were due home coincided with my Dad’s day surgery for a hernia.  I was back in time to collect him and when Mum and I got to the hospital he was sitting up having his dinner and laughing.  The room he was in was the same as Mum took over last year for her hip surgery, spooky.  He looked particularly fetching in his hospital frock; the blue in the pattern suited his eyes.  By now he wanted to leave for home, just one more thing to do.............have a wee.  Now then, when someone has not had anything to drink for nearly 24 hours anything they then drink is absorbed directly into the tissues to rehydrate the body, therefore no wee is produced.  Some two hours later after two pots of tea, two jugs of water, some orange juice and much exertion in the bathroom, a bladder scan was done to discover it was empty!  However he was allowed to leave as he was well in himself and was the only patient left in the entire hospital.  The actual leaving process took longer than it needed to as Dad kept interrupting the nurse, making jokes and laughing about strange stuff (anaesthesia is a marvellous thing).  Once we were finally given the go ahead to escape, Dad’s parting gesture was to walk down the corridor with the surgery pants on his head (until he was spotted by Mum who was not impressed).  Bizarrely Dad was wondering why his scar area hurt two days later............Errrrmm that will be because you had abdominal surgery 48 hours ago.

I have been enjoying the spell of hot weather and for the first time since I was a child have been walking around wearing shorts in daylight hours.  So far nobody has reported being scared at the sight and people do not appear to be running for cover when my lily white legs are on show so I guess I will continue.

Going back a few weeks to when Lady Thatcher passed away, my Dad was approached in the street by a reporter from the local paper and asked what he thought about her death.  Fortunately he was a great supporter of hers and expressed his views accordingly, had his photograph taken and appeared in the edition that week.  I am only glad that the subject matter was not immigration otherwise we would have had to post bail and the time between my blogs would be even longer.

Storks, seniors and chilli

It has been a while since my last posting but life has been rather hectic (tell me something new...) and time has flown by.

Summer seems to have been and gone over the past week.  It was nice while it lasted, the smell of charcoal from the neighbours antisocial al fresco dining wafted through the open windows, lawnmowers could be heard from all directions.......and now we are back to winter jumpers and gloves.  I got my own back on the people over the back that had guests shouting in their garden late into the night on Sunday by starting my lawn cutting bright and early on Monday.  Karma is a good thing.

Himself and I had a week in the Portuguese sunshine last month and stayed in a palace of a villa.  It was easy to get lost inside as there were so many rooms!  As it turned out, the owner also owned the one next door and lived in another even larger one further down the street.  He was rumoured to have an interest in a local restaurant too as apparently he directs people there.  I guess he is one of the success stories in the country’s failing economy.  We visited several neighbouring towns and beaches, fortunately managed to avoid the English abroad (easily recognisable by their purpling burned skin, tattoos on display and general loudness) and came across some interesting creatures, the largest being nesting storks.  On the main road along the length of the Algarve several locals had set up stalls selling oranges to passers by, very reasonable prices and fresh looking fruit.  Interspaced with the stalls were prostitutes selling their own home produce at all hours of the day, however judging by the speed traffic was moving past them I doubt if they were doing much trade. 

This holiday followed shortly after I reached my half century.  I have decided it is just a number and does not mean I am old (despite having had a stack of tests over the past couple of months for arthritis and rheumatism).  Sadly, others seem to think otherwise and I have been offered a Saga brochure, the usual incontinence products and a viewing around a McCarthy Stone retirement flat.  The jewel in the crown came last weekend when we boarded a privately run train and the ticket man asked if we were adults or seniors..............Thank you for that.

I have finally set to and made a start on painting the bedroom!!  The house is about 12 years old and this room is exactly as the builders left it so really it is about time to crack on and sort it out.  Still not sure how I am going to reach the highest points of the walls but I am sure I will find a way, possibly by using a small trampoline.  Along with this project I have painted my parents main bathroom this week.  Again I was told by Dad that he would do it.............however he ended up holding the brushes and roller between uses and only managed to get a small amount of paint on himself.  Not sure what the next room to do there is, but a couple of evenings work and it will be sorted.

The funniest thing I have seen in a while happened last weekend.  It was Dad’s birthday and we had a family lunch, presents, cake and that sort of thing.  One of his gifts was Russian roulette chocolate game consisting of twelve chocolate bullets, one of which was hot chilli flavour.  His face was a picture (actually a few good pictures!) when he sampled it and he has been entered for the national gurning championships.  At his most uncomfortable stage of the tasting he made the late Les Dawson look like Mr Handsome.

Ghouls, cooking and paint

Since the last time I put pen to paper we have had another trip to the seaside, more glorious winter sunshine, lunch out and a lovely stroll along the sands.  On the return journey we were caught behind an accident on the dual carriageway.  The collision had only just happened and was half a dozen cars in front of us.  It was particularly nasty, every emergency vehicle in the county seemed to be in attendance, including the air ambulance, and we were held up for two hours whilst the emergency services did their job (I certainly do not envy them).  What we found shocking was watching masses of people getting out of their cars from further back and trooping down the carriageway for a better look.  None of them were offering assistance, some were even photographing and videoing the goings-on.  When the helicopter arrived, people were getting their children out for a look.  What planet are these folks on?  Would they like to be gawped at, photographed (no doubt to be uploaded to social networking sites) and pointed at whilst lying on the road?  No, I thought not.  You ghouls should just be thankful that you were caught in the queue and not in the incident itself.  As for quizzing the police on just how long the road would be closed for........get real......they don’t have it shut for fun you know.  Did you think the seven land ambulances and five fire engines were just there for a day out?

Last weekend I sorted through the freezer and liberated several items that were past their use by date.  Some had been there for so long they were priced in guineas and carried the message “Good Luck to the Troops, best wishes Florence Nightingale”.  On the back of this clearing out I decided to break with tradition and do some cooking.  I now have six vegetable lasagnes neatly placed in one of the drawers.  I am guessing this is a better option than bulk buying lasagnes and other pasta dishes from the supermarkets in the current climate........I can’t say that I am fond of horsemeat thank you.

Here is a question for you regular readers.  Should I write my memoirs?  Having read several celebrity books telling their life stories, ought I have a go as well?  Difficult one really as various issues are raised.  Would it be ethical to only include the happy and jolly stuff?  Probably not.  Should I leave out people that I would rather not be reminded of but who were part of the story?  How many people might decide to sue me afterwards?  Hmmm......need to think about this a bit more I think.

Now that the better weather (ha ha ha) and longer days are approaching my thoughts are turning to decorating.  I have been in this house for nearly eight years and there are still rooms that have not been done.  My bedroom has a bizarre shape with a sloped and domed ceiling and lends itself to being painted white and marked out in large blocks to form an igloo.  There is even an arched doorway so this style is a possibility.  My parents have decorating to do too (although I expect I will have to do battle with my Dad over this and maybe tie him to a chair) and I believe a list is being compiled.  At least I sorted the trickiest area last year so the rest should be a doddle.  I enjoy the painting and can whip around a room pretty quick with my five inch roller, so let the revamping commence.

 

Dreams, snow and thongs

A happy belated new year to my regular readers (and any new ones who have found their way to my works of rantings) – I hope 2013 is a good one for you all.

Christmas passed without incident this time fortunately, nobody overate and my father resisted the temptation to induce illness by snacking on meat products that had been left out for too long.  We even managed to celebrate Boxing Day with friends on the actual day this time.  Santa did well with his delivery of goodies and the reindeer appreciated the plate of carrots that I left out for them.  They had all gone by Christmas morning.............although there was rather a large pan of sliced carrots on the hob. Surely there cannot have been a connection?  I will investigate further.

Back in the world of my peculiar dreams (amazing I have any at all really considering the few hours sleep I manage to snatch each night)........I did have to check the details with my parents and fortunately they were able to confirm that they were not moving back to Harrow, and my father was certainly not going to abandon my mother to go and live with Esther Rantzen.  Glad I got that cleared up then.

Prior to Christmas I placed an order with Jessops for a slide scanner.  I paid for overnight delivery and the following day the box arrived.  Excellent................or not.  They managed to put the wrong item in and sent my scanner to Southport.  This was the Thursday prior to Christmas.......by the time I had been lied to several times, promised delivery of the correct item the following day and so on, I eventually received it a full week after I had ordered it, having not been sent out until Christmas Eve.  With service like that is it any wonder they went belly up the next week?  John Lewis also let me down with their next day delivery........all the paperwork in the store I was collecting it from said it was there but it was somewhere else with the courier company.  Once again I was lied to time and time again and I eventually received it nearly a week late.  On the plus side they did contact me within an hour of picking it up and told me that a credit would be applied to my Barclaycard (sadly not for the full amount).  Why in this country do we put up with such poor service?  Customer service is totally lacking in many cases and with more and more retailers going out of business there should be a wakeup call from the survivors to pull their fingers out and get on top of shoddy delivery and rude staff.

The snow hit us last week and shows no sign of melting any time soon.  Quite frankly I had had enough of it after the first hour, particularly as 24 hours prior to this I had been skipping along the beach on the south coast and paddling in the sea.  Such a change in the weather is not welcome.  Snow belongs up a mountain in Austria where in fact my brother is heading this week for his annual skiing trip.  Perhaps I could bag a load of snow up for him to take as carry on luggage, thereby relieving us of some?  Just an idea.

With the current weather conditions I have confined my parents to barracks and am doing their daily shopping.  There is no way I am risking Mum’s new hip that was installed nearly a year ago and Dad won’t wear appropriate warm clothing most of the time.  I have been forced to threaten confiscation of Mum’s boots though as I have discovered she keeps popping out (along the icy path) to the bin........... Ha, try doing that with no winter boots on!  They are going pretty stir crazy though as they are used to being out and about every day.  This is the ideal time to crack on with sorting out photo albums, doing a bit of decorating, writing large cheques to their favourite daughter etc. but instead so far they have tried making soup in their new soup maker (it went down the sink), and sampling a large lump of Panettone (the garden birds are enjoying it instead).  Roll on the big thaw when they can get back to their thrice weekly trips to the nearest large town, where Mum can scuttle about doing the shopping and Dad can count the number of obese people eating sausage rolls whilst wearing vests with heavily tattooed arms showing, and bending over to reveal a grey-rather-than-white thong poking over the top of their chav jogging pants.